They Need To Lock Don McLean Up For Life And Throw Away The Key

People - Songwriter Don McLean – perhaps best known for his classic 1971 song “American Pie” – was arrested for misdemeanor domestic violence Monday morning in his home in Camden, Maine, PEOPLE confirms. A spokesman for the Knox County Jail confirms to PEOPLE McLean spent several hours there this morning and was released after 11:30 a.m. on an unspecified amount of bail. Police were called to McLean’s home just before 2 a.m. Monday morning, Woll says. Woll would not discuss the allegations against McLean in any detail, and would not discuss exactly what led to the 70-year-old musician’s arrest.

FUCK Don McLean. Fuck him. Not just because he hit his wife, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, but because he almost made me fail guitar class senior year of high school with his over dramatic American Pie song. That song gives me PTSD like nothing else. I hear it and I flashback to senior year Nate, not wanting to do anything at all, signing up for guitar class. And guess what? Your boy plays guitar very similar to how Michael J Fox plays freeze tag. It was AWFUL. I didn’t practice at all, which apparently is how you get better at instruments, but that’s besides the point. For our final we had to play Don Fucking McClean’s 9 hour ballad about NOTHING “American Pie”. Must have heard that god damn song 3,000 times in a 2 week period. I cared so little about that fucking class until the motherfucker was going to actually fail me because I did nothing all semester, so then I had to start waking up at 6 in the fucking morning to go in early to school to practice a fucking instrument I would never pick up again, all so when they sent final grades to college I wouldn’t have a big fat F in guitar on it. I was trying to pull the Jonah Hill from Superbad speech on the teacher, like let’s level with each other bud, I don’t need to play the guitar, the second I walk out this door you won’t think about me ever again, just give me the C and we’ll call it a day. NOPE! Motherfucker made my life miserable for like 3 weeks with that fucking song. Jokes on him though, I passed and Don McLean is a woman beating asshole. I win.